![]() ![]() I did get you another thing but the stupid thing didn't arrive in time.Ĭan't go wrong with precious metals, cos when civilisation collapses, I can use it to barter my way out of sexual assaults! Ha! Exactly! 'Probably take the gold, then shoot her. We would've got away with it, but he smelt it on Sarah's breath and wouldn't talk to us till Boxing Day. ![]() I've got to get ready for a day out with the folks.įamilies! God, yeah! The year Dad's British Aerospace shares went kaput, he said we couldn't afford an M&S Christmas pudding, but Mum bought a secret one and steamed it in the garage. You what? No turkey?! You fucking idiot, Jeremy! You total fucking idiot! That was your job, you fucking moron! You cretin! You're a fuckhead! That's what you are! A fucking shithead! It was a joke, Mark. Where's the turkey? I thought you were getting the turkey. Not on Christmas!' Where's the turkey, Jeremy? What?The turkey. Then the lull, the Low Countries, then the row, the cold cuts, then, bang! Into a blockbuster to see you home! But that's not my Christmas, because Well, that's what we're doing. Right, we need to get the oven on for lunch at one. No-one else has it, it's not a tradition.Ĭhristmas is coming home! Ding Dong Merrily on Mark! Exactly. I carve the turkey, I decide what veg we have. Let's get our Christmas on! Now, Sarah, if I scrape together the shortbread from Aberdeen '09 and this unread SuperFreakonomics we can pretend I thought she'd like, even though I'm pretty sure she'll hate it, then that's an acceptable bundle, isn't it? Nice to have your family here for Christmas.īut the point is, I'm in charge! I've launched the Christmas putsch. You're not going to cry, are you? I'm fine, it's just even though I'm looking at the tree, I'm just not I'm not getting it yet. ![]() I thought about trimming the top off but it felt like I was castrating Christmas, you know? Chopping Santa's bollocks off. Oh, wow, so you got it in, in the end? It's quite a specimen. ' Sorry, it's just this is my first Christmas without Mum Cos she's sailing round the Med with Mr Potato Head. That's just aggressive generosity 'designed to make me feel bad. 'He's trying to strangle my Christmas with Sellotape. You know, in my family we do sort of jokey stockings. You bought yourself some kitchen tongs? Oh, and yes, I remember you getting this ScotRail sleeping mask when you went on ScotRail overnight to Aberdeen. Roy Adkins on Trafalgar? I heard you talking about it! That's just tremendously thoughtful, Jeremy. In case we get a barbecue? Outside, on thebit. Ooh, smells interesting! It looks like fire-lighters, but what is it? Fire-lighters. Ooh! Slim but promising, Mark! Slim but promising! Jez, what are you? We're going to open them in bed, aren't we? What if our feet touch? What if our feet touch? If our feet touch, we fuck, obviously.Ĭome on! Dive in! Let the festivities begin! Wow! Jez, this is lovely. There, umthere wasn't anything at the end of my bed when I woke up.Īnd you saw? Yes, yes, you woke me at I've been trying to get to sleep since 6.Ġ0 by reading about Wilson's trade union reforms, but Marr is so damn readable. I'm not sick, but I'm not well And I'm so hot Cos I'm in hell.Ĭan I come in yet, Mark? Yes, you can come in yet.
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